My vagina monologue

4 months ago, I got a wild idea to move (again). Those who know me know that I’m restless, and often find myself in need of change.

But as the excitement mounted, I found I had no time to think this through. I mean, isn’t that what we who “adult” do? Get a grand idea full of hopes and dreams and then find ourselves in analysis paralysis looking for all the reasons we shouldn’t do whatever “it” may be.

I’ve been one too many times on that analysts’ couch, getting comfortable in my own head where fear and doubt take hold and worry about what others would do and think. How many times do we put ourselves and our situations into a movie scene and think, act, and pretend what our favorite character would do? I’ve done it.

But with zero free time, you don’t have the luxury of fantasizing that your life is this big movie set. Julia Roberts (in Erin Brockovich) won’t be deciding my next move – it’s all on me.

I work full time – some weeks nearly 50 hours. When I’m not working, I’m exercising, taking care of my old-as-fuck-dog, feeding all of us, cleaning the boat, and doing all the laundry. And the weekly blog. I’m not complaining, just explaining.

There are times when your body just shuts down – when you become so tired, and so stressed, and have ignored the warning signs, and then BAM, you can’t function.

That was me on Thursday night. I didn’t feel better until Saturday night, but then only in waves and well, today I flew out for another work trip, leaving the boat, Erik, and the OG to fend for themselves while I visit Disney for a 3-day work conference. And for the record, y’all may find this the “happiest place on earth”, but when you are a single at a family resort, it’s quite the opposite.

Back to the point: as the excitement wears off and we settle into a short routine, my inner “vagina monologue” has kicked into high estrogen mode and while I know nothing I’m thinking is making any real sense, it’s creating huge drama for me. Making me doubt my decisions and this lifestyle. Raising fears to the surface that can be quelled with time, experience, and confidence. Things like:

– you rushed this

– you can’t handle sailing

– you aren’t smart enough

– you can’t even color your own hair

Why do we do that? Why do we get into our heads and curl up like we want to live there forever? I don’t want to be that comfortable in my head. This is where we lose our guts to try new things. To explore, to build, to learn. We talk ourselves out of doing what generations before us did: try.

I’m not about to give up. I just recognize how powerful our head space can be – and even though what I’m about to embark on is seen as scary to many, we aren’t stupid, or risky. And I don’t need to convince anyone otherwise. And by anyone, I mean me.

Disney Princess?
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7 thoughts on “My vagina monologue”

  1. Suzanne Schmidt

    Lisa— it’s refreshing to ‘hear’ your internal monologue. And I applaude your strength and courage. Lean on in for those growth gifts, they are all yours. Thank you for sharing your journey with us… I’m behind you, encouraging and supporting you ❤️

    1. Suzanne, THANK YOU! I often ignore fear by giving in it, but this time I find it a little uncomfortable because I have no voice but to face it. I’m glad I’m learning how to be honest with both myself and everyone else. 💋

  2. You go, girl!!! Its one of the big mysteries of being a girl “like us”, how can it be the rest of the world can see, view and experience us as these amazing, brave, strong women, while inside we doubt if we can tie our own shoes? Know that you are not alone. Not by a long shot.

    1. Carol, it is precisely girls “like us” that had me post this. I know I’m not alone – hell, you are one of the strongest and bravest women I know, and I also know how vulnerable you are to our inner voice. I take comfort in that. #strongertogether means more on this personal level. 💋

  3. Hang in there girl! We all have good and bad days. Yes, sailing can be scary and it’s hard. But it’s the scary and the hard that make it an amazing adventure!!! If it were easy, anyone could do it! And if it were easy, it would be no fun!

    1. Can’t wait to meet you! Mostly, as an inexperienced sailor, I worry I’ll panic as shit hits the fan (and too inexperienced to even know if the panic is rightful), and when that happens I will freeze up and not be able to help Erik when it’s most needed. That is a real fear.

      1. You’ve read enough of my blogs to know that I suffer from these fears too! But I’ll be damned if I let them keep me off the water. And usually, in the end, the rewards so greatly outweigh the fear. Just remember what Maik always tells me . . . “The brave one is not the one who has no fear. The brave one is the one who has fear, but does it anyway!” He also says…. “You just need experience. And this is how you get it!” You can learn from a book or on google or in a class, but to get experience, you just have to get out there! You will be able to help Erik. Don’t worry about that now. Just help yourself. Remember that it’s ok to be afraid. But if you do it anyway, the rewards will be spectacular!!! Call me or text me anytime (205-862-3131).

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